Letter from my landlord. We arrived home to our pristine apartment to find this letter:

"On December 19, 2002 when your suite was inspected I noted [in the five fucking seconds I was in there while I was checking the fucking smoke alarm] that there is an excessive amount of papers [spread around Chris's fucking desk because he was fucking working on his fucking thesis when that cunt manager barged in] and [two] grocery bags in your suite and the suite is very dirty [what the fuck!?]. Paper and plastic are very flammable [especially ink jet paper] and this causes us concern for your [mutherfucking] safety and the safety of the other [mutherfucking] tenants. When a suite is not kept clean there is a chance of there being a problem with carpet beetles, grain beetles, etc. [I know that I made all this bullshit up. I just wanted to be a total cunt building manager bitch.]
   We would ask that all excessive papers and bags are removed and the suite maintained in a neat and orderly manner [much like it basically was when I "inspected" it the first fucking time, as I would have seen if I fucking looked at it and wasn't such a cunt-fucking barnyard whore]. The suite will be re-inspected on January 13, 2003 at 10 [fucking] A.M.