Republicans eat respected Cuban scientist

Leading Republican Legislators and members of the Bush administration today gathered to kill, skin and eat noted Cuban scientist Vicente Verez-Bencomo. Verez-Bencomo was preparing to receive an award for his work on a childhood meningitis vaccine. Upon his arrival in the US, Verez-Bencomo was apprehended by State department officials and taken to the human-slaughter facility at the Republican National Headquarters.

Within a few hours, leading Republicans including Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Orrin Hatch, Bill Frist and others gathered at the facility for their annual Summit on Human Species Abatement (SOHSA). "That is really offensive to me," said Verez-Bencomo seconds before Rice paralyzed him with her venomous throat snake. Rumsfeld then filleted the emminent scientist with surgical grace using his retractable finger blades while Hatch and Frist admiringly observed.

"Make sure the bowel is properly cleaned and prepared," Hatch remarked. "President Bush is most fond of human colon, a dish often botched ever since Laura fired the White House chef." Hatch also noted his more refined personal preference for human cochleas, especially from males. "I love the crackling sensation," he said.

President Bush addressed the country in a press conference this afternoon where he attempted to explain the abrupt disappearance of Verez-Bencomo. "Sources within our State department determined that the activities of Mr. Verez-Bencomo are detrimental to the interests of the United States," the President said. "He has been classified as an enemy combatant and is being held for further questioning." After a spate of heckling from media representatives, President Bush stopped accepting questions and offered closing remarks: "Evil-doers, such as Mr. Verez-Bencomo, who hate America and support America's enemies, will stop at nothing to hold back the progress of humanity. And neither will we."

Rice and Rumsfeld exchanged side-long glances and giggled as the President completed his remarks.